Courageous Conversations

Examples of where the right conversation would make a tangible difference to the outcome are: addressing underlying tensions within a team, challenging decisions which contradict the company strategy, calling out unacceptable behaviour in a colleague, giving constructive feedback on poor performance, praising outstanding performance. I am sure you have your own examples.

 

The value of having those conversations would far outweigh our initial discomfort and avoid the long chain of compounded consequences that often become the long tail of the missing conversation. Not only that, but as individuals we would be confident that, in the words of Amy Cuddy, we have presented ourselves well and have no regrets. 

​

Courage 

Having difficult conversations requires courage. As Brene Brown says, “we can choose courage, or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.” To have a hard conversation is to experience discomfort, it makes us vulnerable. And it’s that ability to show vulnerability that makes us powerful leaders. She goes on to say that “you cannot be a courageous leader if you’re not vulnerable, if you’re not willing to have hard conversations, give difficult feedback, excavate issues no one wants to talk about.”

 

That is, of course, easier said than done. To be vulnerable, we need to believe in ourselves, to acknowledge our own imperfections, to know our values, strengths and weaknesses and act from a sense of authenticity. This knowledge and acceptance of ourselves gives us the courage to act, understanding that the conversation we are about to have is bigger than our own imperfections and sensibilities. 

 

Radical Candour 

Sometimes, we think we’re being kind when, actually, we’re avoiding the real conversation. In Kim Scott’s book, Radical Candour, she talks about the need to both challenge and care in our conversations to improve personal and organisational performance. I love the labels she attaches to her definitions of the three things we should avoid:

1. Obnoxious aggression: challenging or praising without care

2. Manipulative insincerity: when you don’t care about your employee, but you do care how they perceive you

3. Ruinous empathy: you care very much and don’t want to hurt someone, so you avoid the issue

Take a moment to reflect on when you might have unwittingly employed one of these behaviours in a recent conversation.

 

Presence 

Courage may not come easily, but we can train ourselves to become more courageous. Amy Cuddy discusses in her book, Presence, how our presence leads to courage. She describes presence as knowing ourselves, as feeling good about the way we presented ourselves in a situation and engaged with it. She argues that we should push through our fears to become more present, describing how our physiology can help give us confidence to do this. You may have come across the so-called ‘Wonder woman’ pose, the idea that if you strike a powerful pose for two minutes, it gives you confidence before challenging situations.  As Cuddy says, our bodies change our minds, our minds change behaviour, our behaviour changes outcomes. So, in other words, we can use our own body language to influence our thoughts and behaviours. Next time you need to have a challenging conversation, try taking a couple of minutes to stand tall, open yourself up and fill the space. It’s amazing what a difference it can make.

 

It starts with us

We need to care enough about ourselves and our role in a relationship, a team or an organisation to have the conversation that matters. As leaders we set the climate, which influences the organisational culture, so we have a responsibility to have the conversations that matter. And we'll feel better because of it.

 

​